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It’s been quite a while since I have written, I do most
profusely apologise. I don’t really have an excuse other than it is Christmas
and I work in retail.
Working in Retail at Christmas time is a bad life choice.
People who are Christmas shopping are generally angry, annoyed and have small
children running around them like hyperactive sea turtles (which is to say they
don’t make sense). Occasionally you will come across the few who recognise that
they too have made a bad life choice by leaving all of their shopping this
late, have accepted the fact and will always say a great big “Thankyou!” and a
smile. Most of the time you get people
who are angry. Angry that December strung upon them so quickly. Angry that
little Timmy didn’t need to go to the toilet 15 minutes ago but is now Really
needing to pee. Angry that they had to stalk someone in the carpark at ten past
nine in the morning in order to get a space.
I admit these are all good reasons to be a little bit rank.
But my advice is, if you get angry before you even start the last minute panic
shopping, you are going to be a hideous human being to everyone. You will be
hideous to your family (should they be with you), hideous to the random
strangers you pass, who are all in the same boat as you and hideous to the poor
sods who made the exceptionally bad life choice of working in retail at
Christmas time.
So here is my guide on How To Not Become a Sociopathic
Dickhead:
1) List. List like there is going to be no damn tomorrow
(and there mightn’t be seeing as today is the 20/12/12).
If you go into the shops without knowing exactly what you
are looking for the Gruen Transfer is going to hit you like so many bricks
being flung out of a trebuchet. This will mean you have to spend more time
thinking, which is more time you don’t have, so make a list and ignore anything
and everything else.
2) Understand what The Gruen Transfer is- I realise that many
of you may only know it as they title of a most excellent television programme.
The Gruen Transfer is the moment when you walk into a shopping centre and
forget what you were there for. Designers make it happen on purpose- they make
the layout confusing and bombard your senses with stimuli so that you get
confused and have to walk past everything, thus increasing your chances of
impulse buying.
3) Aim to be at the shops AT LEAST HALF AN HOUR BEFORE
OPENING! The fact is most people will aim to be there at opening, so if you are
there nice and early you WILL get a carpark and you wont be rushing to get the
last Furby on the shelf. Honestly, try and give yourself that extra half an
hour. You can get in, figure out where you are, what you need, sit down, have
breakfast and a coffee and start your shopping relaxed and fed. You will be a
nicer person for it.
If you can’t because you are working, aim to be as late as
possible. Most shops are now on extended trading hours. If the store is open
until 9pm, come between 7:30 and 8.
4) Budget. Suss out the prices of everything before you go.
Now that we have the handy dandy Internet, you can do this at home before you
some to the shops. Knowing how much things cost will save you time and worry.
5) Be understanding. If you are doing your shopping from the
20th onwards you are very, very late. Some items that would be
perfect for your loved ones, friends and frenemies are going to be sold out in
your most convenient stores. This isn’t the stores fault, you have no one to
blame but yourself so get over it. If you had done your shopping earlier, you
would have got what you wanted, but you didn’t. Either ask the shop assistants
to look up where one might be and go and get it, or get something else. Don’t
stand there and complain.
6) Have backup plans. This comes off number 5. If you
haven’t been able to get what you wanted and have no idea, you’re screwed.
Think of a few things for each person so you can get them something other than
an I.O.U.
7) Be aware of your kids. School Holidays are great when you
are a kid, fabulously horrific when you are a parent trying to do the shopping.
Even the most well behaved kids can turn into little Godzilla’s when confronted
with a day at the shops with mum. Rope in some help to herd them along behind
you. There is nothing worse than losing control of a child in the one section
of a shop where everything is breakable.
8) Feed and Water yourself and companions regularly. You
WILL get dehydrated and you WILL get a headache. So drink… all the time. Bring
a water bottle and a snack- food court food is damn expensive.
9)Wear comfortable shoes. It may sound stupid, but think of
going Christmas shopping the same way you would think about going hiking. You
are making a day of it, you will be carrying a lot of extra weight by the end
and you will have walked a very long way.
10) PLEASE. PLEEAASSEEE be aware of closing times. I can’t
tell you the number of times in the last few weeks that I have been stuck
having to stay at work for an extra half hour unpaid because people are just
being slow to leave. When you see that it is 10 minutes before close, or hear
the 5 minute call, go and pay for your stuff and leave. Staff are only rostered
on until closing time and we don’t get paid to stay and herd you out. Closing
time means the door gets closed, NOT you have another five minutes of browsing
time.
